Dear Celebrity MasterClass, I have some ideas for you. Love, Sam

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I don’t know about you, but I can’t escape ads for Celebrity MasterClass, the online ‘luxury learning’ experience that features famous people teaching whatever skill made them famous. They (the ads, not the famous people) follow me around the internet, tapping on my virtual shoulder and urging me to to sign up for Martin Scorsese’s filmmaking class, Gordon Ramsay’s tutorial on fancy cooking, Judd Apatow’s serious thoughts on comedy, and Christina Aguilera’s deep dive into sustained vibrato.

The list of online classes being taught by celebrities seems to grow daily, and that’s because MasterClass, which was founded in 2015 by a couple tech entrepreneurs, is wildly popular. In fact, the brand grew 17,677% in 2020 alone, which is why MasterClass is often described as a unicorn in the tech-ed world. 

Until recently, that is. In the last few months, the MasterClass momentum began to slow, and the company announced it was laying off 20% of its staff. That’s actually why I’m writing this post. I have an idea for a new line of masterclasses that could really turn things around for the company, and I’m excited to share the details with you right now.

The concept: In my masterclasses, celebrities don’t teach about their areas of expertise. Instead, they teach skills that are more practical and commonplace. I’m talking about basic, everyday tasks that most of us will likely undertake at some point in our lives but may find challenging.

The first four courses are ready to go!

Creating Your Will With Lady Gaga

Have you ever wished someone would combine estate planning and synthetic dance music? Me, too! And that’s exactly what you’ll experience when Lady Gaga leads you through everything from naming a power of attorney to establishing a healthcare directive. Gaga’s advice is so practical and melodic, the word “fiduciary” will make you involuntarily start dancing for the rest of your life. Who wouldn’t want that? Who, I ask you?


Learning Algebra with Clint Eastwood

I know. Given his behavior in recent years, Clint Eastwood is a risky choice to lead a class, but hear me out. I have always struggled with math. No matter how hard I try to calculate, quantify, crunch a number, or use a protractor in a way that doesn’t cause physical injury, I have never been able to do anything meaningful with numbers. My theory: It’s because both of my parents were English teachers, so we didn’t have math in our home.

This masterclass is designed to serve as a kind of mathematical shock therapy, and that’s where Clint comes in, or more specifically, his barely-suppressed rage. During the course, you can look forward to moments when Clint stares directly into the camera and growls:

“You’ve got to ask yourself one question: 

Is it x2 = 25, so x = 5? OR, is it x = 5 or x = −5? 

Which is it? Do you feel lucky, punk? Huh?”

I’m pretty sure you will feel terrified and NOT lucky, which will lead you to utilize every resource in existence to learn the algebraic concepts that are angering Clint Eastwood. 

And then you will understand math.

Microsoft ‘Excel-ing’ with Tom Cruise 

Tom Cruise is an amazing actor, but he’s an odd man. For that reason, I think it would be best if he taught the class not as himself but as one of his most famous characters. That’s why Jerry Maguire will be teaching you about spreadsheets! Think how inspired you’ll feel when you hear him yell:


Home Repairs with the Kardashians

Given the dynasty of businesses they’ve concocted, is there anything a Kardashian can’t do? I think not! For that reason, you’ll love it when Kim, Kourtney, and Khloe walk you through a series of small home maintenance projects. First on the list: Changing a furnace filter. Then it’s on to caulking your bathtub. As a bonus, the Kardashians will repeatedly mention that you’re “making memories” during this experience. (There’s no situation so mundane that a Kardashian can’t identify its memory-making potential.)  

A Note of Caution

There’s one person you do not want as a masterclass instructor. It’s Frances McDormand. Yes, she’s an Oscar-winning thespian, but she is also someone who does not suffer fools lightly, and trust me, she tends to find most people foolish. Forget about Clint Eastwood’s rage-math, which might actually teach you a thing or two. Frances McDormand will look past whatever idiotic subject (her words) (probably) she is supposed to be teaching and stare directly into your soul. There, she will find character flaws you aren’t even aware you possess. She will tell you about them at length and will be pretty salty about it. There’s no coming back from that. The bottom line: Don’t let Frances McDormand look at your soul. 

Before I go

So these are my Celebrity MasterClass plans thus far. In closing, I want to give you a sneak peek at a couple other courses currently in development:

Search Engine Optimization with Jennifer Lopez

This course will focus on techniques for increasing website traffic.

Note: JLo will likely mention Ben Affleck repeatedly, and for that, we apologize.

Pet Photography with Leonardo DiCaprio 

78% of pet owners acquired their pets during the pandemic. If you’re one of them, and you want to take some great photos of your new friend, AND you’re a fan of Leonardo DiCaprio, this class is for you! The secret sauce: Leonardo is really good at using Adobe Lightroom.

Note: This course is only open to women under the age of 26. Proof of age will be required. Ladies, we cannot stress this enough: Leonardo will know if you’re a day older than 26, and he will refuse to tell you about Adobe Lightroom. Also, your pets need to be under 26, however that is calculated for their species. That means dogs will age out almost immediately. 

Practical celebrity masterclasses. Am I on to something, or what?!

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